by Janina Calma

The atmosphere is heavy with horror – the air reeks of dread and is weighed down by the promise of ghosts lurking in the shadows. Indeed, what a season of darkness it is to be haunted by our own fears and demons!

For some, it is their fear of unnatural occurrences; perhaps the television opening on its own or a rocking chair swinging with a daunting creak on its hinges, sparked by their favorite horror movies. Yet, for others, like Ateneo Senior High School (ASHS) students, something more personal haunts them; something rooted beneath and within the burrows of their hearts and minds. 

As October unfolded, the much-anticipated – and sometimes dreaded – season of Halloween approached. Alongside the festive spirit, however, looms a reality that many students fear: midterms season. This month signals the onset of a deluge of activities, assessments, and deadlines, culminating in the nerve-wracking day when advisory marks are released—a true spook for ASHS students. Especially for juniors adjusting to a newfound environment, and seniors who have graduation honors on the line – this season can be particularly haunting as shadows of former achievements loom large, and the specter of failure is a constant companion, making this time of year a true test of resilience. 

The Ghost of My Overachieving Past

It is undeniable that the ASHS handpicks the most excellent and extraordinary group of students. They seek those with stellar academic performances and gleaming trophies from competitions and extracurricular activities. Being part of the ASHS means being surrounded by fellow overachievers who share a commitment to excellence. Yet, nothing ever prepares you for the period of adjustment that takes you from being someone truly exceptional and places you in an environment filled with people equally as talented, all aiming to navigate the high standards Ateneo sets. 

For Ellise Deocampo of HUMSS 11-Hurtado, it was a moment that turned her world upside down. Before enrolling in ASHS, she was at the top of her class, effortlessly balancing demanding activities like writing for the school paper while acing her quizzes. However, upon arriving at Ateneo, she found herself challenged, spending hours preparing for assessments that often contained less than fifteen questions, all while struggling to carve out time for her organizations.

“Nakakapanibago ‘yung failure,” Ellise admitted, feeling like an empty shell of her former self as she struggled with a series of failed quizzes. She was not used to pouring herself out just to barely keep her head above water. In the vast world of Ateneo, she felt adrift, feeling like her status as a transferee only intensified the weight of her challenges.

Raejan Cruz, from ABM 11-Borja, has been in Ateneo since grade school. He felt confident as he entered senior high school, knowing that it’ll be an adjustment but not expecting how difficult it would be to keep up. Despite his familiarity with Ateneo’s systems and his status as a former stellar student-athlete, Raejan has found himself grappling with the intense pace and high standards that come with this next level of academic rigor.

It was daunting to find himself faced with several failed marks when he used to belong to advanced classes in junior high school. Though he recognized that his performance had changed, it was still disheartening for him to confront the reality of his struggles and to feel as if he had lost his former self amidst the high stakes of senior high school.

Though trick-or-treating is not a well-known practice in the Philippines, it was as if Ellise and Raejan were wearing costumes as they faced other people – they felt like a fraud, all dressed up as someone who they were not anymore. 

Haunted by the Specter of Disappointment 

Halloween, especially in the Western context, is a festivity that utilizes pumpkins as decorations. Pumpkins are carved, hollowed out, and even reshaped to something new – something festive. Hollowed out they may feel, both Ellise and Raejan continue to carve out strengths and courage to hone themselves into something better as they settle into their terrifying new environment. This experience is only intensified when you unexpectedly dive into the chasm of disappointment, feeling like a gutted pumpkin. What is Halloween like when the ghosts that follow your shadows are of your own anguish?

It was not difficult for Ellise to admit that she was afraid to fail – coming into Ateneo meant that her family and loved ones were looking up to her with nothing but pride and high expectations. “I’m the first in my family to be an Atenista – syempre, it’s an honor, but at the same time, ‘yung pressure na madidisappoint sila, nandoon talaga,” said Ellise. So what was it like for her when she was confronted with unprecedented failure with high hopes placed on her? 

Ellise’s family was nothing but gracious, comforting and encouraging her that this would pass once she had adapted to the system. It was not their reaction that burdened Ellise, but her own perception of herself. Beyond everyone’s hopes on her shoulders, she envisioned her ideal self – an Ellise who thrived and exceeded both others’ and her own expectations. As she struggled to meet that vision, she felt a deep sense of defeat for not yet becoming the person she aspired to be.

Raejan shares the sentiment of not wanting to disappoint those who wholeheartedly provide for and support you. Above all, his fear of failure stems from the uncertainty of the future; he feels terrified that if his performance doesn’t improve, it might greatly impact the promise of a great future ahead. With this, a newfound ardent determination was brought forth. Though he is persevering to be better, he cannot help but to tell himself, “You could [have]  locked in sooner but that’s okay. Just make sure to keep aiming higher and higher, or at the very least, survive.“

To Those Braving the Storm

On a gloomy day many yesterdays ago, numerous seniors resonated with Ellise, Raejan, and the juniors afraid and spooked by this season. Today, they stand on the precipice of spreading their wings and soaring out to the world; forever changed by the challenges they endured and overcame during their junior year. 

These seniors were once in our shoes – lost in the frenzy of pressure and failure. Sophia Andal of GA 12-Denn was one of the many who felt adrift during their senior year; constantly in tears during failed assessments while days felt like minutes as quizzes and deadlines piled up. 

During this time, it was inevitable for Sophia to feel unfulfilled despite hours of hard work, because no matter how many times she would pull an all-nighter, Ateneo’s standards felt more out of reach as days would pass by. She even found herself in crisis of questioning if she was taking the path she was meant to take as losses continued to hinder her growth.

Looking back now as a senior to how lost she felt as a junior, she realized that “there will be times that I will fail this and that, but I will not live it out.” For Sophia, failing is inevitable, but so is learning. There may be days where her body was close to giving up due to exhaustion, times when her eyes stayed swollen from crying too much, phone calls to her mother as she confronted how she was failing;  but there were also days when she discovered her inner strength – moments when she stood tall, eyes alight with determination, celebrating her resilience with proud declarations of “kinaya ko pala.”

One Among Many

It is important to remember that Halloween is one season among many, so are midterms, and so is this era of feeling like a failure. Midterms season is a frolic through a terrifying haunted house – a journey that may feel long because of the endless tricks being pulled with ghosts jumping out of every corner. It is a test of courage, times of utter fear that you feel too afraid to continue. However, like all haunted house experiences,  the frolic will end and you will emerge back into the light, filled with a new sense of resilience that came from overcoming your fears – this time, walking away with double the treats. 

Despite the intimidating threat of defeat that midterms bring, ASHS students persevere undeterred. Ellise does not crumble under pressure, instead, she goes back to her roots and remembers why she is in Ateneo: to learn and grow more. No matter how many days she spends buried under reviewers and assessments, she remembers that she has a purpose here, and she will fight in pursuit of it. Similarly, Raejan does not let these setbacks extinguish the fire of his passion. He may have to relearn how to manage his time better and juggle the difficulty of everything, but he will survive knowing that he is not a failure until he refuses to at least try. 

As Sophia navigates her last year of high school, she looks at her juniors with knowing trust. She wishes that they discover their place despite the turbulent pace of senior high school. “The thought that we are already through or past the first quartile of the academic year might be pressuring, so make it worthwhile, maximize your stay in the ASHS and create as well as strengthen your bond and relationship with your peers as those people around you serves as your support systems within the ASHS community.”

Sophia reiterates the importance of balance between excelling in academics, participating in extracurricular activities, and finding solace in rest and support. Two years in Ateneo is incredibly short, so she emphasizes the beauty of maximizing every season that we get here, whether they are of spook or spring. It is important to cherish the candy we receive both from the tricks and treats as these sweet moments will last us a lifetime of memories to embrace. 

The atmosphere may be heavy with horror and fear of tomorrow, yet it is not only dread reeking from the air, but the promise of other seasons to come. There is a reason that we call this darkness a season –  a fleeting moment wrapped in fear and uncertainty, before we reach the warm season of giving, the renewal brought by spring, and the brilliant season of sun, as we soon reap the fruits of our efforts.